Christmas used to be a time of isolation. Slowly, that’s changing.
Christmas has always been a difficult time for me.
There’s a tension between what we’re told it is — togetherness, family, community, peace, joy, generosity — and how I experienced it.
I’ve always experienced it as a time of heightened anxiety and uncertainty.
The problem wasn’t with Christmas though.
Christmas — with its emphasis on home and family — intensified and focused deep ambiguities about my whole sense of ‘home’.
It made me feel I didn’t have a home, even though, clearly, I did.
Looking back I can see why.
I was sent away to school at a young age, The Autumn term was long and brutalising. I’d return ‘home’ a few days before the sudden jollity of the Festive Season.
Sure, I was home, but I was not ‘at home’.
I was in recovery.
The Christmas period was a time of ‘family’. Internally though, I was rawly aware I’d been separated from family, home, belonging.
I was a stranger, forced to pretend I belonged.
The result?
Anxiety and distrust.
Disconnection.
Four or five years ago I became ill and finally took a deep dive into healing some of the sadness and insecurity my disrupted childhood had left me with.
Eighteen months ago I moved into my own house in the wilds of Ireland.
This year, cooking on Christmas Eve, listening to music, hearing the wind howling outside, and seeing lights on the Christmas tree reflecting in the dark of the window, I had a strange sense that this Christmas I belonged somewhere.
I belonged exactly where I was, in the safety of this moment.
Family.
Whatever that means to each of us.
I’m painful awareness of the cruelties being inflicted on children and other civilians around the world right now. Part of my sense of belonging came from gratitude that I’m warm and safe.
Part of it comes from a sense of inner healing.
My colleague Sorrel and I are launching ‘Journey to Belonging’ at the start of January 2024.
It’s a three month programme to help people like us who carry the echoes of a disrupted childhood. Together, we’ll explore how to move beyond anxiety without having to dive deep into trauma and unhappiness.
I’d love you to join us.
May this time of year be when you commit to healing yourself and playing your part in healing the world.
After thirty years performing, directing and teaching around the world, now I coach and mentor artists and others to live in joy and creativity. I also still perform sometimes, but usually keep my clothes on.
I recently published a free training ‘How to make BIG decisions when you feel really stuck’. It’s a PDF and video. Get your copy here.
More information about me here: www.johnbritton.co
Email: [email protected]