Yesterday I had an angiogram.
It’s a strange procedure. A tube is stuck into the vein in the wrist, pushed up the arm and across the chest. It connects with the heart.
A large, white, sci-fi looking camera/x-ray manouvres across my chest — remotely controlled.
There’s a large TV screen to my left dotted with numbers, pulsating dots of light and — most importantly — a live feed of what the camera is picking up in my heart.
Coloured dye pumps through the tube and we see it entering the arteries around the heart. Observing where it flows, the specialist sees where the dye flows. He sees what’s blocked.
I can see it too.
Lying there, I see the workings of my invisible centre. The familiar mystery of my beating heart, revealed on the screen in front of me.
It’s fascinating.
While it was happening, not so much.
At the time, I was scared.
At the time I’d just endured a list of statistically possible catastrophic outcomes. They call that ‘informed consent’
At the time I’m experiencing a deep, existential, sense of violation. ‘I’ was being invaded, observing the invasion as it happened.
Like many of us who coach, mentor or write about ideas such as presence or empowerment, the proof of the work is whether it works.
Can I be calm in extreme situations? That calm, after all, is what I encourage in others.
Lying on the trolley as the sensation of a vessel-expanding drug enters my body, I breath. I smile. It’s an interesting sensation.
As the doctor pushes the tube into my arm, I draw on a core principles of presence: ‘pay attention to things you can do something about’.
A nurse called Suji asks me if I’m OK. She smiles and I recognise her kindness. I smile back and let the human override the medical.
Be here now.
I immerse in the experience that’s arising.
Another principle of presence: ‘Have no opinion’.
Be curious.
Use this moment, even though it’s not a moment I’d choose to pass through, to discover.
Discover the world.
(Re)Discover awe.
Discover who I am in every detail of the unfolding of my short time on earth.
Discover the kindness and intelligence of others.
Be present.
Presence. Putting aside the torrent of hyperactive fear-fuelled possibilities, access the fragile, curious beauty of what the world actually offers me.
It works.
As fully present in the procedure as I’m able to be, I learn something of the world and myself.
Suji seems surprised, but pleased, when, as I’m wheeled away to recover, I say how much I enjoyed it all.
The peace we need to live our richest life, is always, only, in the present.
It’s waiting for you now.
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I coach and mentor Artists, Educators, Spiritual Workers and anyone who believes things can be better.
The heart of my work is finding powerful calm through presence. I’ve even written a book about it.
I’ll hold a space for you if you’re ready to change, and together we’ll move from holding back to stepping forward.
Be in touch if you’d like to talk.