A principle to live by
Lack of self-confidence is brutal. Every decision is tinged with anxiety. Each step is hyper-vigilant. Any set-back triggers a confirmation bias response — ‘I knew I’d not be able to do this….’.
Opportunities are problems.
Challenges are defeats.
One set-back wipes out ten successes.
We’re told to change our thinking to overcome self-doubt.
We’re told to say ‘I can do this!’
We’re told ‘remember every challenge is an opportunity’.
Consciously changing how we talk with ourself can be a part of a solution.
Only a part though.
The way we see the world comes from places deeper than words.
Real change comes from opening to our deeper places.
I don’t mean necessarily ‘understanding’ what drives self-doubt. Some things can’t be understood. They just are.
The mild (sometimes intense) anxiety which has been my default mode of being in the world since childhood (and which, though gentle like the sound of a distant sea, is present in me now as I write) has origins I know: a tendency towards depression, recent health and work challenges, an unhappy schooling, bullying, not fitting in.
It also has origins I only dimly perceive — parents who came from backgrounds of unsettled poverty and who feared being excluded from their precarious middle class communities. Ecological anxiety. Psychophysical imbalances related to chronic illness.
There are,I’m certain, elements I’ll never know. Incidents I’ve forgotten. Experiences my parents had, the echoes of which affected me at the deepest levels.
Accepting we can’t always ‘know’ the origins of self-doubt doesn’t mean we can’t move beyond it.
The core of that — in my work at least — is developing our ability to be present.
One of my 8 Principles of Presence is ‘Right here, right now, you’re good enough’. It’s not encouraging toxic or false positivity. It’s about acceptance. I am who I am — and that has to be enough to take my next step. It’s a principle about reality. Accepting what I like. Accepting what I don’t like. Accepting.
As I write this, I look through my window. There’s a buzzard diving over the wild lands outside. Climbing, dropping, searching. For a moment the mild anxiety of a normal Thursday morning dissipates, and I’m entirely, peacefully connected with what is.
Over time, with practice, connectedness becomes a habit, becomes the dominant experience of being alive.
This is the deep-level change that operates in a realm much deeper than words and definitions.
The peace we’re seeking is here and now.
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I coach and mentor Artists, Educators, Spiritual Workers and anyone who believes things can be better. I’ll hold a space for you if you’re ready, and together we’ll move from holding back to stepping forward.
Be in touch if you’d like to talk. [email protected]